


Camellia

by spacethyme



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: 5+1, 5+1 Things, Character Study, Gen, Kinda, No shipping, Subaki-centric, mundane angst, set in Revelations route, well more like 5+5+1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 06:01:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10211141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacethyme/pseuds/spacethyme
Summary: Five things Subaki’s parents taught him, five conversations he had with the people in the army, and one thing his liege told him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I accidentally posted this work when it was a draft and all it had inside was a placeholder text. I was in shock for a few days.
> 
> anyway-
> 
> the title is the flower, obviously.
> 
> Fates has many troubled characters with tragic backstories, so here’s a more mundane-tragic backstory for a change.
> 
> Also I’m sorry if you’re bothered with localization names? I’m not, so. /shrug/

**1.**

 

**“Perfection is your legacy.”**

 

Subaki’s path had been set for him since the day of his birth.

 

A name was carefully picked out for him, one that would stay with him for the rest of his life, and remind him of his purpose.

 

 _Camellia_.

 

He was meant to be all things beautiful. He was Excellence, Passion, Loveliness, Grace. A proud, red flower that brought forth Spring as it bloomed.

 

He was Perfection.

 

Subaki's parents were brave, honored warriors that had served the Hoshidan Royal Family for generations. They took pride in Subaki and his name, and expected nothing less out of him but to carry on their legacy with honour. 

 

He had to, because he was the only child.

 

Subaki was loved. He was supplied with only the best and trusted education since he was a child. His parents flung all sorts of training at him and cautiously monitored his progress.

 

Subaki learned quickly.

 

He also learned that, he had been tasked with carrying his parents’ hopes for him and his future. As a heir to his clan, he would be the next retainer to a member of the royals.

 

He must calculate his every move- don’t make a mistake. Even the littlest mistakes can be fatal, and one thing always leads to another.

 

“Do not think of it as a burden,” his mother had told him, when she told him of the responsibilities he had, in order to make him the perfect retainer. “It’s for your own good. When you’re all grown up, you’ll realize that all this hard work would be worth it.”

 

It’s not a burden.

 

It felt so heavy, though.

 

-

 

**2.**

**“Always look presentable.”**

 

His parents always reminded him to keep his appearance proper, and he remembered to always wash his hands before and after doing something. He took great care of his hair, his mother going to great lengths as to supply him with an assortment of her tonic and fragrances. He made sure his clothes were always neat and without a single wrinkle. His skin was always spotless.

 

“Everyone prefers a clean, well-dressed man over an unruly slob,” his father always said.

 

“Isn’t it bad to judge people by appearances?” Subaki had asked.

 

“First impressions are everything.”

 

Subaki did like having things neat and clean. A little mess or disorder will always tick him off.

 

He tidied up everything.

 

When there’s nothing left to tidy up, he tidied up others’ things, simply because they bothered him.

 

He was bound to ruin his appearance, training all day. The wind would stick leaves and twigs on his hair, or even insects to the face, and when he fell down (which was rare, mind you, but he still fell) he would be covered in dirt and grass. At the end of every session he would rush back inside to fix himself.

 

(He would greet the day with perfection and end the day with perfection.)

 

He washed his hands again.

 

And again, until they were clean.

 

-

 

**3.**

**“Do not show weakness.”**

 

The more Subaki shone and excelled in everything, the more he felt that the burden he carried was getting heavier.

 

His friends and acquaintances showered him with praise, and he learned to put on a proud, confident exterior and gracefully accept their compliments. A little bragging here and there wouldn’t hurt.

 

When he was left alone once more, the glamour disappeared, and he was left feeling utterly drained, exhausted.

 

His mother caught him slacking off, once, and had sternly interrogated him.

 

To which Subaki couldn’t reply with anything else but, "...I was tired."

 

“Didn’t you say you were going to train today?”

 

There was nothing he could do. Subaki sighed loudly, picked up his lance, and began to lead his pegasus away. It whined in protest.

 

His mother frowned. “Don’t look so dejected. People will take advantage of that.”

 

And so he smiled. And didn’t stop smiling.

 

“Confidence! Remember that. Others will be less likely to mess with you if you are confident.”

 

His façade was perfect, so to say. He spoke politely—all diplomacy and manners, he was ready to help anyone who was in trouble, and yet he would still spare some time to show off.

 

He made a habit of flying out alone, whenever no one was around. He fled to the fields and the pastures, letting his pegasus graze, but also picking fruits off of trees and gathering whatever food he could find. He would eat like a pack of wolves, all reservations let loose.

 

And then he would ramble to his pegasus, spouting out whatever crossed his mind, and the winged horse would listen lazily as she grazed, glad to finally rest.

 

Subaki wondered if he would ever accidentally work his pegasus to death. He wondered if he would one day work _himself_ to death.

 

Though he knew, his parents only meant well.

 

-

 

**4.**

 

**“The world is harsh, and competition is severe.”**

Royalty will only favour the best of the best. Those who couldn't keep up will be scorned and disgraced.

 

The first time Subaki had displayed his affinity with pegasi, his parents were ecstatic. They marvelled at their discovery and quickly sent him to train as a sky knight, day and night. As much as Subaki enjoyed being around pegasi, it was a little overwhelming.

 

That didn’t stop them from urging him to excel in absolutely everything, however. He was given lessons in the arts, and strategies, and etiquettes, and anything his parents could possibly supplement him with.

 

“The more you can do, the better.” His father had advised. “Being able to serve the Royal Family is a privilege. Royals only want the best people to serve them, do you not understand? You have been given this position because of your bloodline. If you’re incompetent, someone else will gladly take your place.”

 

“The world doesn’t tolerate the weak and the flawed. They have no value.”

 

Subaki once overheard a conversation among his fellow sky knights. They spoke of a realm, further away than Nohr, much further than they can imagine, and a pegasus rider that resided there. She had a strange, foreign name, but was renowned as highly competent and intelligent. A _genius,_ a prodigy since her youth, a shining beacon of _perfection._

 

The talk kindled a fiery competitiveness he didn’t realize he had inside him, and a rush of emotions. Was it Envy? Admiration? He quickly drove the thought away. That foreign sky knight did nothing to deserve his jealousy.

 

(He also heard about her daughter, who lived under her mother’s shadow. She left on a long journey years ago.)

 

He was fortunate enough, that there weren’t any genius prodigies around, born naturally with a multitude of talents. He probably wouldn’t stand a chance.

 

Even with his title of “Mr. Perfect” circulating around, his parents still shot him disapproving glances in private, always brought up his mistakes, telling him to fix them. To aspire for perfection.

 

Camellias weren’t always born a lovely shade of red. They weren’t always Perfection and Grace.

 

Sometimes, they were born yellow, and they were Longing.

 

-

 

**5.**

 

**“Never be satisfied with anything less than perfection."**

 

His purpose was to be perfect.

 

He must always look perfect.

 

He must not appear weak.

 

He must be perfect at everything.

 

He would never be satisfied, until he had achieved perfection.

 

Because he was never _good enough,_ so the world would scorn him.

Subaki felt as if he was going mad. He found himself fussing and busying himself over the tiniest mishaps. He couldn’t sit still, he had to _do_ something, he had to be useful. He went to train in the fields until his pegasus simply refused to move.

 

So he dismounted and trained again and again, until he could feel the gaze of his pegasus judging him from where she stood under the shade of a tree.

 

He cleaned the rooms and the furniture, and colour-coded every set of clothes he could find. Groomed the pegasi, checked their tack, went training again.

 

He was not tired. He could handle everything, because he’s perfect.

 

Somewhere among this mess, he knew, he realized, perfection is merely an illusion.

 

(It’s just a naïve, idealistic dream for fools.)

 

The cynical side of him whispered this, every time he pushed himself and forced himself to work.

 

But there was no harm in trying, and he held his parents’ hopes so. He was to meet his liege soon, and it would be wrong to disappoint them now. It would be wrong to disappoint his future liege.

 

There’s no harm in trying.

 

(Keep telling yourself that.)

 

There’s no physical harm in trying.

 

Tomorrow he was to meet Princess Sakura herself, and spend the rest of his life serving her with eternal loyalty.

 

So he prepared all of the clothes he was to wear, spoiled his pegasus and made sure she was in perfect condition.

 

Night flew by like a breeze, and by dawn, he was awake. He showered and cleaned himself, got dressed, and fixed his hair.

 

There’s that single lock of hair on his head that always stood up and folded over itself, like a thin wing, no matter how much he tried to flatten it out. His parents always fussed about it. But it grew on him, and he would be away from home soon anyway.

 

He let it be.

 

\---

 

**interlude**

 

The first time he had been assigned to meet up with his liege, the Princess Sakura, he had done everything in his power to prepare himself adequately. And yet, it was all in vain.

 

He was _nervous_ , and truth be told, somewhat _scared_ , even though he had spent the entirety of his life training for this exact moment.

 

He had entered the Princess's view swiftly, riding on his pegasus, and ruined everything as soon as he landed. He lost his balance, slipped off the back of his mount, and landed face-first on the ground.

 

It was followed by the shrill laughter of a young woman- a samurai, he realized, as he looked up, despite wishing that the earth would just swallow him up right there and then.

 

What was he thinking? He had shattered his first impression in front of _royalty_ , in front of the Princess, his liege, the person he swore to serve and protect to the death. What would she think of him now?

 

The Princess-- Lady Sakura-- was staring down at him with a face almost as red as his. Internally cursing himself for the slip-up, he muttered out a quick apology and tried to get up. The Princess was looking at him, still, but Subaki realized that the sympathy in her eyes was not filled with pity. Nor was it like the disappointed glances his parents shot him, when he messed up.

 

It was simply concern.

 

Lady Sakura reached out a hand. Her other hand was tightly clutching a healer’s staff to her chest, and her expression was reassuring, with no trace of malice of judgement. Just kindness.

 

It made Subaki feel slightly more at ease, as he took her hand.

 

In the meantime, he gathered his mind back up again, collecting his scattered thoughts, forming one, perfect beacon in his mind.

 

 

He was chosen as retainer.

 

-

 

When Lady Sakura was caught up in a terrible war and ended up in a collective, Nohrian-Hoshidan army under the guidance of her long-lost brother, he had no choice but to follow. He had sworn his life for the Princess, and he would follow her to the death.

 

Dealing with the other members of the army, and Nohrians, especially, was inevitable.

 

-

 

**1.**

 

There was the samurai, Hana, who served Lady Sakura alongside him.

 

Subaki himself had received training as a samurai, before he resolved into being a sky knight.

 

Camellia blooms, despite their loveliness, were unpleasant to the samurai. At their deaths, they fall to the ground, with all their bright red petals, much like bloodied heads.

 

Hana was an untamable force. She had heard about Subaki’s reputation as a perfect expert (of course- _everyone_ has) and lunged at him every chance she got, eager to challenge him. There was also the little competition of who Lady Sakura considered was the best retainer.

 

They crossed paths multiple times in their days in Corrin’s army, and they fought almost every single time.

 

Eventually, they ended in good terms. Can’t go on protecting Lady Sakura if he can’t get along with her best friend (as Hana would put it), anyway.

 

-

 

**2.**

 

The kunoichi who served under Prince Ryoma, Kagero. A loyal and no-nonsense woman, with a hidden love for art.

 

He had complimented her after observing the works she had made, which seemed like a pitiful attempt at first, but in the end, it rose and echoed with a feral passion.

 

“It feels good to be praised by a man of your caliber, Subaki.” She had replied. “I still feel unsettled, though…”

 

“Don’t be!” He reassured her. “You created this art without even trying to do it. I’m actually a little envious.” It’s the truth. “You truly have a natural talent!”

 

“Now you’re just being flattering. We both know you are the perfect example of skill and talent.”

 

“…I wasn’t born with talent, though.”

 

“Excuse me? What do you mean?”

 

 _Damn._ “Ah, sorry, just thinking out loud. Anyway--!”

 

-

 

**3.**

 

The nihilistic monk who always spoke the truth, Azama.

 

He had said, “No man or woman can truly achieve perfection!” Well, he’s not wrong. “I’m offended by the very concept.”

 

“Everyone knows you were simply born talented—end of story. It must be nice to be effortlessly good at everything.”

 

The words pained him somehow, but he shrugged it off. “Nevermind. Not worth bringing up,” he said.

 

-

 

**4.**

 

A mysterious red-haired mercenary girl with plenty of determination. Subaki can’t help but feel a distant, yet familiar aura.

 

“It’s just that talking to you reminds me of my mother. She passed away some time ago, but like you, she was extraordinarily gifted. Everyone in town called her brilliant.”

 

 _Ah._ “I see…” _The daughter of the famed prodigy._

 

He wondered what it must have felt like, living under the shadow of an unreachable, perfect mother and probably resenting her for that, only for her to pass away in the end, as all things do.

 

“People have compared me to her, ever since I was little… She was my role model, so I worked as hard as I could to be just like her. But no matter how many hours of effort I put in… I could never compare to her.”

 

-

 

**5.**

 

The one-eyed archer, with a grin sly as a fox. Something was wrong. His gaze was wise and experienced, and he moved with a calm, silent certainty. The way he seemed to cover up his depths with his indecent manner of speaking, his sadistic tendencies…

 

“What’s wrong with you?”

 

“Nothing at all! What’s wrong with _you_?”

 

“Really? Nothing? I thought you had some terrible childhood or something.”

 

The man’s face betrayed no emotion. He shrugged. “Eh. Some things happened. But it’s all in the past. I should be asking you the same question.” He only needed one eye to see right through him. “Did mommy and daddy not pay enough attention to you? Is that why you’re so desperate for constant approval?”

 

 _Too much, in fact._ All those years working hard to please them, they felt like yesterday.

 

“I don’t remember.”

 

“Oh, please,” the archer scoffed. “Surely, you remember something. Childhood trauma is pretty common.” The way he spoke, Subaki was sure he had been through a lot.

 

“I’m sure my childhood was perfect.”

 

Later on, Niles had offered to ‘carry some of his burden’ for him. He knew it was metaphorical, but it was strangely reassuring.

 

-

 

 

Maybe Subaki was not born as a perfect, red camellia.

 

Maybe he was born as a yellow one, that longed to be red.

 

 

-

 

**+1**

 

Lady Sakura had the worst timing. She just _had_ to walk in on him while he’s at his worst state.

 

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was sleepy…”

 

Subaki knew he was the one who was supposed to protect Lady Sakura with his life, but it was always the shy, trembling Princess, with a single wave of her staff, who saved him and Hana from the verge of death, over and over again. Behind her fear and tears, she had saved the most lives. She was, in reality, the strongest of them all.

 

He was _not_ ready to meet her. Not when he’s disheveled, and filthy, and exhausted, and—

 

“…Subaki? Did you just say you were tired…?”

 

He turned around fast as lightning. “Ah! L-Lady Sakura…! Of course not! I said nothing of the sort.” He can’t let himself look bad in front of the Princess herself. He already did it once, he won’t do it ever again.

 

Subaki managed to meander his way through the conversation, and slipped away as fast as he could.

 

-

 

The second time Lady Sakura visited him in private was even worse.

 

He was doing so well. His record was spotless until that moment, and he must force himself to stay composed as he blurted out his grave mistake.

 

But the Princess had shrugged it off with a laugh. “Haha! Is that all? That’s okay. It’s better to have more weapons than not enough!”

 

No, it’s not okay, it’s a very simple thing to do, and yet he messed it up, it’s a waste of resources… and Lady Sakura somehow managed to bring up the pegasus incident, and Subaki wished he wasn’t there.

 

He had cut off the conversation, abruptly, rudely, and that night he stayed up thinking if he had hurt the Princess’s feelings.

 

-

 

“Lady Sakura, not this again, please… Let’s leave it in the past!”

 

“But I’m worried about you trying to be perfect all the time. No one needs that!”

 

He had to spill it out.

 

“Please understand,” he began. “I’ve been destined for the castle guard since my youth. That’s why my parents set the bar so high. I had to be perfect at all times. Otherwise, I would embarrass myself in front of royalty…”

 

He somewhat already has, twice even.

 

“…No mistakes allowed.”

 

Sakura raised her voice. “But everyone makes mistakes!”

 

“Not me!” He declared.

 

That day of the pegasus incident… Had Lady Sakura chosen him out of pity? It was a terrible first impression. He ruined his entrance. He had made himself look weak. He was far, so far from the image of perfection his parents wanted him to be…

 

“Feeling sorry for you wasn’t why I chose you,” Sakura’s voice was unusually stern. “I chose you because I thought you were amazing. You were brave and strong! You were so hardworking! That one little fall made you all the more charming.”

 

How strange—he was actually praised for making a mistake for once. Lady Sakura was really something else.

 

Was this… relief?

 

“…Really?”

 

“Yes! Now, please, stop torturing yourself! There’s no need to try so hard!”

 

…So that’s how it is, then?

 

She reached out a hand to his bowed form, and Subaki was immediately transported back to the day he first met her and fell. There was no underlying malice, no pity, no disappointment.

 

Just kindness.

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: At the time of writing this fic I was unaware that Awakening and Fates are set in completely different worlds, I just assumed they were in different continents. I was a noob back then, ok
> 
> That thing about posting this work when it was still a draft still haunts me to this very moment.
> 
> I find Subaki to be the most relatable character in Fates, hahaha. The first time I read his tvtropes page (my #1 rule: always go to tvtropes before deciding to get into something) I was so shook because some of them hit too close to home lmao
> 
> Conclusion: I care a lot about Subaki
> 
> and this is how much I care about stats:


End file.
